Hunger means Thinner.

19 October 2009 @ 08:35 pm

It has been some time since I have posted in my journal...I missed it so. My life has been such a foreign object to me. I thought I knew who I was and what I aspired, until I hit reality. Reality can be such a vicious beast, who's only drive is to break down and destroy every aspect of your existence. I'm battling this monster, and to be quite honest, in the beginning I was a lost cause, just a helpless creature. Now in this war, that pitiful prey has discovered some defense, some strategies of combat, she's still losing but at least has a chance.

I just felt obligated to get that off of my chest, sorry. But I have really missed my ana...my one and only best friend who would be there no matter what. I didn't recognize that she's been sneaking away my food for some time now, unitl I realized I lost 10 lbs after the first 2 weeks of volleyball. I didn't see that my body was becoming more and more thin, and to be quite frank...I was in celebration. I couldn't believe that ana was helping me out, and I thanked her very much for showing me that she is there for me. So now, I'm currently home and sick from the flu, so there goes 5 lbs., and now I can look at thinspo and write in my journal as much as i desire. here are my most current stats.

Age: 17
ED: Ana
HW: 138
LW: 115
CW: 126
GW1: 120
UGW: 110

I just realized that i am a fat pig right now, wow, not a shocker though. But since I don't live with my father anymore, I don't have to worry about hiding that much...so yay!! The other good part is that my godmother/mom works nights and I barely see her...so I dont' have to like worry period. My plan is to simple cut down on my calorie intake...keep busy and focused.

so see ya next time...ttfn

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13 November 2008 @ 04:22 pm

My Longed Redemption

So far my life has been okay...During the end of summer, I dumped my bf of 3 years cuz he was a controlling, needy, and sort of insane jerk and also, he was going to college and I still have 2 years of high school left. Yeah, I don't want to grow up that fast. then, I started to date this stupid wannabe player that played me(suprise, surprise), then I dumped him and he's been trying to get back with me since. Then, I started to see his best friend, which is quite random, but through the drama and turmoil, we're still together. Other than that, life's been quite eventful, but in a good way.

Until I mention my weight, that's where my life royally sucks major ass. I've gained some weight since summer has been over, which is funny because I was at my lightes and tightest during the last half of summer. So here are my stats.

CW: 135
HW: 150
LW : 115
GW1: 120
GW2: 110
UGW: 100-105

I KNOW!! ISN'T THAT FUCKING GROSS, HORRIBLE, UNCONTROLLING, AND SHAMEFUL! I absolutely hate how fat I am right now, and I plan on losing all of it and then some. Today is the day, I will lose all my gross weight. I have a great feeling that I can actually do it this time around. Just wait and see, but the path to get me there I know is going to be tough, but ultimately worth it. I plan on doing the 123 diet with shitloads of water, some diet coke, coffee, and tea, then working out right after school so I can't get side tracked so that means I won't be posting as much as i should.

My mission is to lose the weight and to inspire my fellow anas that if you binge, get your fill than that's it. Like a last supper thing, than be ready to restrict and work out. So here are some tips that I have ultimately found quite useful,

1. KEEP BUSY!! Trust me, if your always busy doing something, sports, reading, listening to music, sleeping, cleaning, whatever it is, you never think about food at all! In plux, it burns major cals. Trust me when I went to camp this summer, I was busy all the time, which took away the urge and time to eat, so I lost like 10 lbs. in 3 weeks without even realizing it. So remember KEEP BUSY!

2. DRINK WATER!! Water is the safest and easiest thing to fill up on and the healthiest. It clears your skin, helps your metabolilsm, and keeps your tummy full, since well it should be empty right?. So drink about at least 1 LITER A DAY, which is like 3 or 4 Propel water bottles. Not a water drinker, drink FUSE slender drinks, they're like 30 cals, but delicious and gives you a lot of vitamins, FLAVOR YOUR WATER WITH CRYSTAL LIGHT OR TEA, it makes that same old water bottle look so much more savory, and it's only about 15 cals.

3. TAKE YOUR VITAMINS!! Seriously, you have to or you won't lose the weight fast enough, you'll get sick a lot, and it'll keep your nails strong and your hair still in your head. Don't OD!!

4. WORK OUT!! Any exercise will due, but if you want to hit the gym, do it!! like for 45 mins. of serious exercise 5 times a week, you'll increase your weight loss by like 50% I think, but it'll shed the fat way quicker than without exercise. Not a gym person, well go for a walk, jump on the trampoline for awhile, play some Wii, go to the park and play, go out for sports, have sex, ride your bike, anything that gets the heart a pumpin will be perfect! Be careful to not forget to DRINK ENOUGH WATER or you'll feel sick or get dizzy or get muscle cramps. Remember to stretch!

5. DON'T GET SO DOWN ON YOURSELF IF YOU HAVE A COOKIE!! Yes, it's inevitable to stray at least once, we're humans, we crave what we can't have. so if you do find yourself having a cookie, a candy bar, or few bites of a cheeseburger, don't be so harsh on your self-control, or you'll feel worse then try to give up your whole plan and then it'll be a whole mess. Just savor the moment that you get to finally take a bite of the pumpkin pie, then, think "Okay, that was all I wanted, a taste, but now it's time to go back." a few times over and if that doesn't work Say "That was good, but not as great as being thin." a few times until it registers. Belive me, it saved me from many almost collosal binges.

6. THE OPAQUE CUP TRICK!! OMG, if it wasn't for this little trick, I would be obese by now. It saves you from any suspiscion from friends or family, as long as you do it correctly. First, you find an opaque cup that you know will hide your food in, then, put some water in it, but only enough so when you take drinks, you can spit your food into the cup and make it still seem like theres some of your drink in it. Be discreet about it, make sure no one finds your cup afterwards, and there you go ...a life saver.

So, I leave with inspiration for me and all the rest of you. Love you all and I hope my tips helped some of you...ttfn..

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23 April 2008 @ 04:35 pm

my 1st successful purge!!!

I'm so excited that I finally learned how to got damn purge! YAY!!! I did it in school in the girls locker room w/the door locked & the shower going (since when I gag I sometimes burp cuz of my acid reflux, but anyways) ~~like a week ago~~. It wasn't much but it was some. Then the next day I purged again the same way but it was only a little since I only ate a little & I felt a little weak afterward, but better then I was before. I did it 2 times since then, but only at school. I never eat the school lunch, only when I'm forced to in class like Pro-Start or Spanish II, then I go excuse myself, then wallah! its out! But the downside about only being able at school is because at ~~my home we have only one bathroom &~~ ~~my gagging is too loud to be drowned out by running water so eehhh!!!~~ My weight hasn't budged but at least I'm not gaining any!!
Right at this very moment @ 4:43 pm I haven't eaten anything all day, but I drank a coffee, loads of water, & a diet dr. pepper yay again!!!
I'm starting my very low cal & fast diet today!!! I plan to not eat anything at all for a week. Then dah dah dah, eat a little then go on another fast, then patterned every other week & 3 days. Hope I can reach my UGW by like summer?!?! Luv for all my fellow anas & mias...ttfn 8D

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14 April 2008 @ 04:06 pm

OMFG!!!!

The effin holidays combined with my damn fam& winter I have gained like 5 lbs!!! OMFG!!! I can't freaking believe this crap I'm so damn pissed I can't evn start to comprehend!! I HATE IT!!! I'm going on a fast for 5 days , then 7 days, then I'll finally lose the damn weight. but wish me luck. ttfn
Also I tried to purge the other day but it didn't really work for the fact that I really don't know how to do it correctly also that I'm too damn scared since I hate it so much but I'll do it to be thin & beautiful. In plus it was soo loud & it hurt.

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29 January 2008 @ 04:38 pm

uugghh!!! >8 [

as I have posted before about me going on my fast...well..it lasted for like 2 days then somehow I'm always forced to eat something then that causes the binging epidemic. I lost like 4 lbs on day 2 then gained it all back...so I'm now on day 1 of another fast that will last until next week. I hope since my dad isn't here until idk...next week?....I don't have to eat all the goddamn time...pardon my lang., but its true. My dad's food is so freakin awesome...I mean its the best I've ever had yet and it sux when at times I have to pass on dinner but it's for the greater good.
So far I haven't eaten a single thing...I've drank some coffee, tea, water, & a diet dr.pepper (for my science fair project). I plan to not eat at all and lose some weight finally then go on my normal low cal. diet. Wish myself the best of luck 8D

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24 January 2008 @ 03:51 pm

the bust of my plan >8 (

The ~~bust~~ is the fact that I was forced to eat brownies and crackers w/butter. The brownies were for one of my classmates had a b-day & decided to bring food to give to everyone to ~~make us all fatten up~~ so he can eventually kidnap up and hunt us down for dinner. So I had to eat 2 or everyone would have found out my secret. Then for my Pro-Start class, which is where you learn how to cook and manage business in the food world, anyway for a part of my assignment I had to taste all these different spices, 21 to be exact, but the downfall is that we had to mix the spices and herbs w/butter and put them on crackers. Then to top it all off I had to drink lavender tea, which is sorry to all lavender tea lovers, ~~down right bitterly disgusting!~~ pleh!(UGGHH!!) It was so disgusting and horrible...I feel like I want to die now. My only way of trying to get rid of all this food is to ~~play DDR tonight on workout mode to burn 600 cals.~~ I love DDR don't get me wrong but my foot has been hurtin like a bitch & its hard to play DDR like that w/out losing the whole aspect of the game. I have to restart my fast tomorrow again, keep going till Thursday next week, eat under 200 of veggies & fruits & yogurts until Monday then I'll fast for two days then I'll go to my singing contest. YAY!!!!

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22 January 2008 @ 04:35 pm

my diet plan until Feb. 6

okay i've ~~broke my last~~ fast only to peer pressure...& now I can handle since I don't need to eat anything all week...even some of next week due to there's no b-days or holidays soon so no temptations. yay!!! Well, anyways I've decided to go on a 5-7 day fast...depends on how much weight I lose and how soon they'll all catch on. I've told some of my friends about my decision to fast since I have ~~severe acid reflux~~ now that I've finally found out what it was, and how this fast could help weaken it or even cure it. I really don't care because it sort of punishes me by making me feel like shit anytime I decide to eat. So it makes not want to most of the time but due to constant boredom & my father's excellent cooking skills I'm left to be tempted alot, but now that I've gotten ~~my self-control back~~ I am certainly excited for my rebirthing fast.
My plan is to begin my fast either tonight or tomorrow morning depends on if I eat or not tonight. Then drink like 2 liters or more of water, 1 juice, 1tea, & maybe a coffee tomorrow, Thursday I'll drink 2 liters or more of water, 1 juice, 1 tea w/honey, & no coffee. Then on Friday I'll my 2L or more of water and only 1 juice. Saturday, Sunday, & Monday I'll only drink my water intake, and on Tuesday I'll drink my water intake w/1 or 2 juices. Wednesday is when I'll break my fast w/water, juice, raw fruits and veggies. Thursday, Friday, & Saturday I'll eat 100,200,250 cals. Then Sunday I'll begin another juice/water fast, depends on how I handled the first one, and I'll fast for 2 days, then on my goal date of Feb. 6 I'll have reached my weight goal of 109 lbs. by then. I'm so excited!!!

Current Mood: determined

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16 January 2008 @ 04:35 pm

fast & pills...

Today I began a ~~liquid fast~~ that would only enable me to consume liquids. Such as a butt-load of ~~water, fruit juice, coffee, & the occasional diet soda~~. So far I have kept my word and plan to do this until sat. afternoon, when i go see my bf. I hope I can hold on until then. My plans of reaching my weight goal of 109 by mid-january is a bust so I plan to reach it by Feb. 6th which is when I'm going to a vocal contest & I can walk around without feeling like a whale. So my plan for the next up coming weeks left is on mon.-100, tues.-100-200, wed.-liquid fast until sat., sat.-200 (only raw fruits & vegs), and then on sun.-200-300. It's a very low cal plan for the next few weeks. give me luck everyone!!

Also I've been thinking for the past few weeks of buying some different diet pills. Like fat burning pills that will help my body shed all the fat thats covering my muscle. Any suggestions would be deeply appreciated. Yeah I have pretty toned abs and legs, but my arms are another story. They're so small compared to the rest of my body, I mean like I may seem skinny when people see me because of my arms, but below them are is the all the fat disgusting parts. So I plan to only work on my arms, maybe my thighs, if I decide to exercise.

So if anyone magically discovers this post I would be more than delighted to have someone join me on this fasting low cal diet adventure if they would desire to???
Just leave me a comment & I'll get back to you...also I have hotmail, facebook, bebo, and messenger if anyone wants to contact me there...just ask 8D

Current Mood:

hopeful

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08 January 2008 @ 07:08 pm

I hate myself!!!! 8 (

I am absolutely positively completely furious with myself!! I binged last night, like 700 or so and also today, so far I've binged too...like 500 or so. Last night was because IDK...and today was because my bff made cupcakes for me since my b-day is tomorrow and she's so nice. I had to eat them since she got up early today to make them, so I decided to be a friend & eat a couple of them. Then after school I had to watch my niece which meant I had to feed her, which also meant that I ended up eating a little of her pb&j sandwich. I feel so disgusted!!! Tomorrow until Friday I am going on a fast and tonight I'm going to exercise, only a little though.
You know what? I want to learn how to purge. I wish I could love it but my head just despises the feeling. I tried to before but I just get myself to. I want to be able to purge, then my life would be so much easier. Just to love the experience of expelling my body of all the disgusting fattening food that I consumed. If I did purge all the time when I binged...then I would've probably lost like 20 lbs. already or even more! Only if I was capable of loving it or even withstanding it then I wouldn't have a problem. I'm going to ask around to find out the most easy and harmless way to purge.
I found out my problem of binging. I binge when it's late at night and I'm watching TV, when I'm forced to, and when I imagine food that I love. Other than that I think I wouldn't binge at all. Enough with how disappointed I am towards myself. I wish everyone way better luck than I have been doing so far and stay strong.
ttfn

Current Mood:

disappointed

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07 January 2008 @ 04:34 pm

weekly general plan...

I thought up a plan like my diet, exercise, & etc. for the week to get to my weight goal. I plan to eat 100 & under today & tomorrow only 300 or so since one of my friend's is going to make me something for my bday& fast until saturday. I hope it works since I've gained weight over xmas break. I want to get back on track & lose the weight.

I haven't eaten anything at all today yet...& I really don't want to either. The funny thing is that I don't even feel hungry since I'm just being busy & I like it alot...maybe the reason also is that I taking these pills that make you not feel hungry & I think that they are finally working? I think tomorrow I'm goin to clean the church since I'm such a nice person. Then workout a bit since I really don't need to since I have a lot of muscle tone anyways, but good luck to everyone!
ttfn

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04 January 2008 @ 04:25 pm

My Return

I have returned after an awesome but gruelling christmas vacation that included laughs, fun, and worst of all food. The Christmas season seems to be the dominant of all bingeing. I believe during Christmas and New Year's I have eaten more than an adult male could consume. Since I've returned on the New Year's Day I have been simply banning food forever...until next season when the feast comes to taunt me yet again, with the hope that I will have some self control and keep my mouth shut. Other than that horrible fiasco I had a great vacation and am now back on track. I still weighed the same as I did when it just started so I wasn't off track that bad...just starting over. I've lost aproximately 1 lb since I started my fast yesterday! Which I hope will stay off! My birthday is arriving soon which means that I'll be forced to eat but with my tricks up my sleeve I think I can work my way through some cakes. I have two birthday parties which is good but bad for me...I have a party with my dad and then another with my mom, who both love to cook. I hope I can make out of them alive but not full or better yet having hunger pains. Well anyways I hope all my fellow anas had survived the beast of feast.
ttfn

Current Mood:

yet happy

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19 December 2007 @ 04:21 pm

My goals...

Finally I didn't eat like a starving pig yesterday!!! Yay! I can't wait until Xmas kinda but my real excitement is for when I go to the Black Hills for a trip on Dec. 28. It's going to be amazing! Well, let me begin on my goals....

By the time I leave for my trip I plan to lose about 5 lbs which is in 9 days so I can reach my first weight goal of 114lbs. So I devised a schedule that will help me stay on track & keep me from almost choking on the food I tried to scarf down so fast. Here it is....

General Week Days (Monday- Friday)
A.M.
6:30= Wake up
6:30-7:45= Do stretches, 15 jumping jacks, 30 crunches, bicycle to 1 song, & 15 push-ups.
7:45-7:05= Shower
7:05-7:50= Get dressed, makeup, & hair etc.
7:50-8:05= Make coffee, get bookbag ready, eat a fruit or veggie if planned, & warm up car
8:05-11:35= School: drink 2 bottles of water & take vitamin & diet pill
11:35-11:55= Lunch time so eat a safe food only if planned, if not drink a bottle of water.
P.M.
11:55-3:30= Drink 2 bottles of water
3:30-5:30= Go on computer, drink 2 bottles of water & take a diet pill.
5:30-7:30= IDK??? but drink a bottle of water
7:30-8:45= Do homework & drink a bottle of water
8:45-9:30= Workout & drink a bottle of water
9:30-10:00= Watch TV or read, etc.
10:00-10:30= Get ready for bed & talk to BF
10:30= Catch some zzzzzzzzzzzz's

General Weekends (Saturday-Sunday)
A.M.
10:00= Wake up sleepy head.
10:00-11:00= Make coffee & watch TV.
11:00-11:45= Workout or yoga, drink a bottle or glass of water, & take vitamin & a diet pill.
11:45-12:05= Shower
P.M.
12:05-12:55= Get ready
12:55-1:00-2:00= Do something until you leave either at 1 or 2 & drink 1 water.
2:00-9:30= Drink 6-7 waters, Eat a safe food I'm forced to eat something sometime.
9:30-11:30= Drink 1 water
11:30-??= Eventually go to bed, if can sneak in another water.

Eating Plans
Monday: Fruit or veggie, Coffee, 10 waters = 100 cals.
Tuesday: Fruit, veggie, pretzels, coffee, 10 waters = 200 cals.
Wednesday: Start 3 day Fast= Drink 10 glasses of juice, no tomatoe juice.
Thursday: Drink 10 or more of water.
Friday: Drink 10 or more of water.
Saturday: Fruit & veggies only w/10 of water = 100 cals.
Sunday: Safe foods w/a binge food & 10 of water= 200 cals.
Week Totals: 600 cals.
It's not permenant, just for a couple or few weeks just to get on track & gain some control again. Well, wish me good luck & I'll do the same for you! ttfn 8P

Current Location: ?????

Current Mood: determined

Current Music: Chiodos

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18 December 2007 @ 04:34 pm

life w/ana thus so far...

hello dear world...ive returned w/a clip of news...drumroll please....ratatatatatattatat..ching!! & it is that....im completely bored w/my minitown of hicks & need some amusement so my life wont be miserable forever...& ever & ever & ever & etc.... well one thing i hate about being busy around semester tests is that u totally dont have time to think...like whenever i binge...its like im a zombie or something!!! its so stupid. when i turn on the vacuum & when it sucks every morsel of food w/in a mile radius what goes through my dumb brain is, get a load of this "Well, i can binge today & tomorrow i can just fast or not eat more than 100 cals." but the bad thing is that runs in my head almost everyday!!! i know its so idiotic of me...i feel like i royally betrayed my ana & now i need to starve her back to health. I've lost about 2 lbs. this couple of weeks...depressing though...its like my mouth wont shut for that evil beast of food. I feel like punishing myself in order for ana to trust me again. Ive been doing my workouts, i havent eaten more than 200 cals. today & ive been drinking water up the ying-yang. i just wish that there was a way to just completely shut my mouth & not have to think about it anymore. just live & not eat...that would be the life! So ive made myself a little challenge to eat 100 cals. monday, 200 tues., go on a juice fast on wed. then a water fast until fri. or sat. depends if i see my bf or not since its so hard to hide cuz his mom literally shoves food in my face, then on sun. eat only fruits & veggies. i hope i stick to it...i want to reach my goal of 114 by next year so badly, its only 5 lbs...how hard can it be?? i shouldn't say that...anyways. all my fellow anas stay strong & away from the enemy, & ill drop a couple of my fave quotes, "Hunger means you're getting thinner so always feel it." & "Nothing tastes as good as Thin feels." ttfn 8>

Current Location: anywher but here

Current Mood:

frustrated

Current Music: anything by paramore

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06 December 2007 @ 04:05 pm

while being busy i sort of lost ana???

okay let's begin a few weeks ago when i decided to do this illustrated talk for a club i'm in called FCCLA which is the best in the whole wide world, well anyways i decided it should be on human trafficking since its such a big worldwide issue that not a lot of people know about it and hey why not try to help clean up humanity? So i've been working on my speech, paperwork, and posters like everyday and finally the day came where i can present it to judges at my district meeting....and guess what?.....I got a top superior which means i got a perfect score!!! I was so stunned that one of my friend had to snap me out of it whenever they called my name. well, my beloved ana has been lost & she said the only way i can ever find her is if i go on a 5 day liquid fast....which i dont oppose to...but temptations they seem so monument this time of year....but i plan to stay worthy for her & do what i must to lose all the weight i lost last month...i was at 125 lbs. then went down to 117 lbs. by the end of the month then gained 3 lbs this week because of i had to hide my dear friend. So my SGW is 114 lbs. in a week then 109 lbs. by my birthday which is about a week after new years so...ive been keeping busy & finding all the thinspiration i can get...& good luck to all my fellow anas...stay strong & thin & beautiful!!!!

Current Mood: lost ana

Current Music: Sowing Season By: Brand New

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